thoughts from the perpetually single.

Throughout my high school years, especially the latter ones, I struggled deeply with the question of “Why am I still single?” And it may sound silly that someone so young would be discouraged by a lack of previous boyfriends, but it was true. All through high school, I watched my friends as they entered into relationships & went on cute dates. I watched them be happy and enthralled with their bf/gf. I spent countless hours giving people advice on their relationships and stood by them as they laughed and cried over them.

The whole time I was thinking, When is it going to be my turn? When will I finally meet someone that gives me butterflies? When will I get to go on cute dates & have someone who cherishes me?

I knew in the back of my head that I had saved myself a lot of trouble. That I had never had my heart broken, never been disappointed by a boyfriend, & never had to deal with the stress and conflict that comes with being in a relationship.

But it still hurt.

For a long time I asked myself over and over what was wrong with me. I was convinced that there must be something about me that was causing me to still be single. I wrestled with self-doubt & anxiety that I would never find someone. That all the people I would ever be interested in would glance over me and choose someone else.

It wasn’t until I went over to a friend’s house one night at the end of the summer that I truly got a grip on what was wrong with my perspective.

She & her husband were in the process of moving out of the state & I was in the process of moving to college. I showed up at her house and we curled up in the living room, surrounded by clutter & packing boxes, & had a bit of a heart to heart.

We came to the topic of dating and I began to express a bit of my struggle and frustration with my perpetual state of singleness. She then told me that she had experienced many of the same feelings and frustrations when she was in my stage of life. Then she told me something that radically altered my perception on my situation. She said that when she was single and wanting to date, her friends and family always told her, ‘You’re amazing. You deserve to have somebody amazing in your life. You’ll find someone and when you do you will be the best girlfriend because you are amazing.’ She told me not to fall into that mindset. She said that she had to realize that she really wasn’t amazing and that she was a fallen sinner & whenever (if ever) someone came into her life, he would be a fallen sinner too. She talked about how everyone’s uplifting comments about how amazing she was put a handicap on her ability to live contently in her singleness because she thought “Well, I deserve someone. I’m not getting what I deserve right now, so it’s ok to be bitter about it.”

I thought, "That's me!" For so long I had been thinking that I deserved to have a boyfriend. I deserved to be in a relationship. I thought that there was something that just needed to be fixed, and then I would have it all together and I would find someone and be the best girlfriend ever. 

How wrong I was.

You see, I am not entitled to a relationship. It took be a long time to realize it, but maybe the reason I’ve been single my whole life is because *gasp* God wants it to be that way. Maybe for my whole life up to this point God has been working in me, strengthening me, growing me in ways that I can’t imagine. Maybe he’s used these frustrations for my good. & maybe, just maybe, he has a wonderful relationship in my future.

I’m not saying that I don’t still long to be in a relationship, because I do. But knowing that my heavenly Father has it all planned out & that He has my best interest at heart, has allowed me to be content. It has allowed me to ultimately rest in His plan for my life and to use this period of singleness for His glory.

So, while I still am waiting anxiously for the day when it is my turn, at least I know I’m waiting in His goodness & I’m resting in Him.